Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I seem to have left my pride at pride
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
