Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
