i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
