there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
