im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
