Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
