theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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