I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
