What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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