So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize