You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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