Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize