the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
