His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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