dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
