considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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