im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
you made out with another girl for some wings
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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