he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
