My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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