I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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