I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
