Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
