I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
