jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
