Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I am spending my child support on dildos
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
