I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
