Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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