dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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