I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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