I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize