Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
