guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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