I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
