Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
