dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
