I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
