why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
