when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
