just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
