I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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