i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
