I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize