I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My breasts were aching with rage.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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