I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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