i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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