I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
wrigley field is MILF paradise
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
