I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
