Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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