I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
