Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm passing your future prison.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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