you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
