i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
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