So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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