watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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