I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
