So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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