It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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