Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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