Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
