I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
