Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
jump out the window naked night went bad
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
