There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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