You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
