i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Oh god it's open bar.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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