Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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