It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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