So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
