Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
