either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize