Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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