On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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