Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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